A little over three years ago, my world shifted. With it, the excruciating pain that is the undoing of a victim mentality. Its grip over my psyche is on and off over my reality.
I catch myself just enough in time, or I boot it out every few Thursdays when
I am vibrant enough to re-acclimate to this consciousness.
I’m talking about ascension….Ascension?
I don’t know if we’re the Firsts with this new paradigm in our head and are working this Titan like amount of psychological and emotional work or if it was always hinted at by Buddhists and Sufis in the secret of their esoteric meeting points but...I’ve made it, Dad.
Let me paint the picture: I was a brave strong girl, visiting the Universe and the aspects of cultural aesthetics with a hunter’s flair. Books, exhibitions, people, writing, I was there - skimming centuries of creation just to find a bit of me.
I need nourishing, and I was famished.
Ultimately the level of mental acuity and its feeding was still not enough for my emotional needs.
In parallel, this need for connection and human development took its place in codependent relationships - I was at the mercy of sociopaths and clearly insane people to give my heart to. Did I know? Yes I did.
I was attached to my need to “turn them” - to believe humans ultimately have a consciousness and will stop to mess with others because morality was the only way to find peace.
Jiminy Cricket, it is quite toxic of me.
I didn't see the real need was for me to turn.
In the midst of digging my own hole with shame and guilt at waiting for the specific ex at the time to come and whisk me out of the hole he helped me create - I saw a ray of light that was more spiritual than intellectual fact.
“You have the power to decide.”
This - this sentence lacerated the cloud of disillusions. Its effects is still vibrant in the air around me.
Three years ago, a seed had been planted.
My life didn’t revolve and shift entirely then. We're not talking about "awakening" (that one epiphany that exists... in movies).
That seed still operates its own algorithm on my psyche. I still have more to discover with its growth.
A few more months continued their course with follow-up actions and thoughts I had started before the realisation.
Time and again, the power of decision came to illuminate my day - quite literally rays of sunshine touching my face, while the tram under my feet moved along the coast of Istanbul city, giving me that feel of destiny carrying me forward.
I was in and out. In and out of a connection with a loving Universe and my own demise around my victimhood.
What sustained this development was research & practice. I started reading online about things I had known on another level. This knowledge had been around my reality for a while. - but as knowledge, not experience. Tarot, Alan Watts etc, I had consumed without the ecstasy of having received the baptism of the conscious realisation.
I dove deep into getting answers. Developing consciousness around every moment of the day.
Amidst friends, colleagues, etc, my work was to know my vulnerable self, let her speak and make her known to others around me.
I was secretly leaving this density of consciousness to go up to another.
I had no guide, only a multitude of opinions across the web - and I was now waking up within my dreams, crossing past memories with a defiant smile, pulling up my sleeve, ready to soothe, protect and connect to my inner child.
The past became my destination: everything that had happened and had been removed unconsciously was to be written down, dug through and psycho-analysed.
I don’t really recommend this: it’s another trauma... better to let the memories come through the next weeks and years rather than dig them.
But because of my own trauma, digging them gave me a sense of power because in my family, we don’t go over the past.
Each family has their own genetic psyche and claiming inner work was to be punished. So I rebelled...
Eventually, I did skim my unconscious, and I still do.
Waking up doesn’t happen in a day, in an epiphany - it comes in waves.
Sometimes, we receive the tools to identify the problem that is ready to go. And we do, committed to the calling, it is a painful growth and an exciting current to ride.
Then Life settles down, we experience a new stage.
And now we aren’t really equipped to deal with this long term. Ascension long term: we don’t have professors of Ascension - so we connect to others: on Youtube, in self-published books, on Twitter communities: we dig at astrology, numerology, binaural beats, Schumann resonance.
Ultimately, we try to connect to others the way we did.
This liberation, this new playing field, this new awakened life - is the most beautiful thing that happened. Because we feel chosen, anew, because we love, we are Love. Ok, there might be a little of ego too, look at "how much grown I am inside now".
The awakened people aren’t at every corner of the street & we don’t proclaim our beliefs and opinions while getting coffee (except in France).
So we really connect online - our life becomes dual: online support, love, awake conscious friendships and follow up on people we really never met but feel in our inner spaces - and the usual unconscious presence, amidst the people we didn’t cut off yet.
It’s not easy, it’s fantastic.
The Age of Aquarius, the new consciousness movement, is pushing us forward on the virtual reality that is this internet dimension we are creating. Yes, this is where we meet. Yes, it all works perfectly.
But isn’t there more we could do? More human contact?
I’d love to be equipped to the next months, to the waves of ascension, to the connection to surreal guides above my head, or the black and golden Dragon flying over my reality wherever I go.
Only my intuition and my listening ear are my tools... and in the end, this is a way to learn life: surprises come, they are not malevolent, and only our gut instinct will guide us.
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